August 19, 2012 Ohhhhh THAT DAY
Marlena wrote a post on facebook that all of us can relate to. Not all of us are on facebook so I thought that I would share it with you...
Hunter~~August 18th, 2012...Today...Today, for most people is just another day in the craziness of life. We USED to be people like that & sometimes we still are. But not today. Today is the 18th. The 18th of _____. The month doesn't matter. It's that number. The 18th.The date on the calendar that silently screams out the memories. The date that continues to torture your Daddy as he replays the events of THAT day ~~the 18th, over and over and over. It doesn't matter that this one happens to mark the passing of 19 long, hard, horribly painful months without you. It might as well be the 1st one. The hurt is just as painful and sometimes more so than it was back then. At least at first we were in shock (a wonderful thing that God designed our bodies to do) and weren't expected to be "better", "over it (IT??!! really?), "moving on," and all those other things that we are supposed to be ... NOW... 19 months later.While most of the world continues on in its hurried state, we are still a few steps behind. Trying our best to keep moving forward (on our "good" days) while grieving, remembering, hurting, yearning, screaming & crying (inwardly and outwardly), whining, arguing, questioning, being grouchy & hateful to ones we most love, giving thanks, being grateful, blessed, loving, ... and at the same time celebrating and rejoicing with you and for you as we are certain that Heaven is where you call home.The bad days?? Those are the days that just getting out of bed and possibly brushing our teeth can be counted as a victory.The holes that are left in our hearts... "heart holes... Hunter heart holes" can never be filled this side of heaven. The constant battle of our minds as we try to process the "forever~ness " of our earthly lives without you... weighs heavy on our souls.As another 18th of the month closes it's sad door, I pray that God gives us strength to grieve well.. love more and find peace in our journey. I love you my little Miss Malynn and I thank God for you. I'm so glad that He chose me to be your crazy mommy.
Wow! Truly a beautifully stated note that at least expresses how I have felt many many times! I honor Marlena for how she is educating others that grief is NOT an event but a PROCESS that takes a long long time. Hunter is proud of you Marlena!!
Now let me tell you my perspective on anniversaries... I will say that the everyday pain DOES gets better all the time. This mommy just had her five year mark since my Loganmoved to Heaven. Anniversaries always stink... The days leading up to the anniversary always have been very very hard for me, starting with my birthday, July 18. Logan died five days after my 40th birthday... This year I was sadly and dramatically reminded that July 18 wasn't MY bad day at all. The focus of my day was no longer about me and my sorrow and loss of my Logan, but about someone else's loss and the beginning of their dark painful journey. Now, don't get me wrong, I picked up my heaviness and fogginess for Logan on Sunday and Monday, the day before and the the anniversary of his death. The part about the anniversaries for me, is that as the day begins to end, the fog and the heaviness begins to lift. On the average day, I never ever dreamed that I would FINALLY be living at this place of peace and contentment. There is hope.... just keep grieving FORWARD. Anniversaries do stink... I will never look at the 23th without thinking of my Logan. This is NATURAL and NORMAL! These children of ours didn't just slip into our lives and disappear... We are their mamas for eternity.
So the bottomline for me... I KNOW what a bad day looks like! We all do... There will come a day when a you will have a renewness of what a GOOD day looks like... it will slowly slip into your existence and live and stay and you will change. All of the changes that happen after the devastation of losing a child isn't bad... but it takes a LONG time and LOTS of grief work.
When springtime comes to you - and it will - it will burst forth with the light of sacred awareness, a renewed sense of God's presence, and an awakening of hope for your next step. Scripture reveals a comforting truth: "You are my lamp O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light." (2Samuel 22:29)
- An excerpt from Grieving Forward
I have a lot of thoughts about how I see this Mamas Group... I want each of you to think about this before our next meeting... what kind of "needs" and guidance did you have when you first were thrown into this club that no one wanted to join. (I don't mean the Mama's club either! The crappy losing your kid club!!) I would like to spend a few minutes sharing some of these thoughts with you at the next meeting.
Enjoy this day... Another change of seasons is approaching. Time can slowly move along.... Keep putting your feet on the floor and know that I am here-- we all are actually for each other. :)) Text or email me...Hugs.... Pamela