Welcome to Hope for Grieving Mothers

If you are new to this club (that no one asked to join- the one where your child has died), it is best to start by going to the BOTTOM RIGHT and look at the "Pages" section. Under this section you will find resources for mothers who are grieving the loss of their child. Resources to help your children deal with grief are also grouped together.

Next, feel free to look at the "Blog Archives." There are many topics that you may have an interest in reading. As you girlies know, we now have Teflon brains and often cannot have the focus power that we have had in the past. Feel free to come here often and hopefully you will FEEL the loving support that me and other mamas are sending. Hopefully you will begin to see sparks of hope for your future...

Hugs... Pamela

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The End of November

November 29, 2012 The End of November

So I have had a lot of thoughts, as always... this is what is most recently
on my mind.

The day before Thanksgiving, I wrote this and put it on Facebook.

"The holidays are a big magnifying glass. When you have a "perfect" feeling
family, it feels joyous. When you have that crazy aunt or uncle that annoys
everyone, this crazy feeling is magnified. When there is a death in the
family and that loss is there, that loss is magnified. When there are unmet
expectations in life, such as divorce and loneliness, that is magnified.
Holidays magnify the best in us, such as our charitable side. Holidays
bring out the worst in us, such as when we see life's disappointments.
Humans disappoint us because they are human. Sadly, when life has dealt
trauma and drama and permanent separation of normalcy as well as grief, the
holidays have a flavor of sorrow. Very thankful for the ability to see my
one child this week as well as my parents. Thankful for the breath of new
life with Audrey and Elly. I will miss Callie this thanksgiving and will
permanently miss Logan. I'm thankful for friends who are supportive and
smile and laugh and cry with me. Reflect on what this holiday magnifying
glass shows you personally this year. Blessings!"

My first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Logan are so painfully
memorable... for someone who was in a fog. Those that know me well know
that I grieve many different things during the holidays. The loss of your
child is the "Primary Loss." It is the "Secondary Losses" that I grieve

In speaking with many of you recently, I have noticed that many are feeling
"anger" right now. Like I have said before, NONE of this is "Normal" but
all of what we are feeling is "Natural." I think that it is "natural" to
be maybe feel anger when there is the empty chair at the holiday dinner
table and no one will mention our child that isn't here. I think that it
is common for the BIG invisible elephant in the room to be in the room.
Often people are fearful of mentioning the absence and loss of our child
(every day but especially on a holiday.) This makes many of us angry at
times! Why wouldn't it make us angry? Personally, I have spent the past
week angry at certain people because they just don't understand
and I do not feel their support. In fact, the ugly Pamela showed herself
one night and that is something that I am NOT proud of...

But... when looking at their side, they don't KNOW what to do or how to
support us. If this is your first holiday season without your child, you
will probably notice people whispering in the background - "How is she
doing?" If this is NOT your first holiday, everyone is still wondering how
to respond. Before my Logan died, I had no idea how to support people who
were in the very long process of grief. I THOUGHT that I did, but I failed
miserably. When people ask "How are you doing?" Answer them honestly...
"Today is hard for me. Thank you for asking."

Know that this is a time of MUCH emotion and that we are oversensitive to
people's actions and words right now. Protect yourself by taking care of
YOU and your family. But mamas, YOU are the backbone of the family and you
must MAKE yourself relax. Carve out time to have a long bubble bath.
Maybe go have a massage or a pedicure. Lay down and take a nap. You
don't HAVE to make dozens of cookies.... cut down on the "celebration" part
if you need to. BREATHE.... relax those shoulders down...

One of my friends who lost a child several years ago- him and his wife
went to the movies on Christmas. "Some things you cannot do again." It
was too painful to "go thru the motions" for them... but now that there are
grandchildren, they are trying Christmas again.

So to wrap this up...

- You are oversensitive
- You may feel anger... try to not let it get so big that you BLOW up
- Protect yourself
- People do not know what to do to help, so TELL them

One more thing... During the holidays it is especially important to "count" your
alcoholic beverages... In the past you may have been able to handle a few
alcoholic beverages, but now you are in danger girlies. Count to one. Two
on special occasions. Be aware that this is a pitfall that you do NOT want
to fall into. Statistically, one year after the death of a child, 40% of
parents have a drug or drinking problem. (Compassionate Friends data
obtained from the book *Surviving The Loss of a Child*)

As always, I am open hearing your thoughts, suggestions, and writings. If
you have something that you would like to share with this growing group of
mamas, then email it to me! You made it through Thanksgiving... One down
and one to go. You can DO IT! Keep putting those feet on the door... it
will get better. :)

I'll end with a positive note... THIS is what I try to focus on during the holidays. I focus on the incredible gift the birth of Christ was for us... and now that I have a child in Heaven, it means even more to me. This gift was sent to us so we will be able to have an eternity with our children one day (as a reuinited family.)

O Holy Night

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Pamela Parker

1 comment:

  1. I can totaly relate to people trying to make you feel better but it usualy doesn't work.. People, even family have no idea what we are going thru. My mother lost a child, my sister, and I had no idea what she was going through then, but after I lost my daughter 6months ago I know what she went thru, and feel terrible she had no support like we have .. Thank you Pamela for what you do. I love you Mom