September 4, 2012 - Response to Previous Message
I'm new to your mama emails and I wanted to introduce myself. You see, I am the sweet mother that Pamela refers to in her email. And not only did I catch her off guard, but I also caught myself off guard. I didn't realize how raw my grief really was.
In 2001, I gave birth to a baby boy, whom we named Noah. I had a normal pregnancy and we were shocked to hear that he was being transferred to Riley the morning after I had him. Noah lived for 9 months with an undiagnosed neuromuscular disorder. He had round the clock nurses at our home, was sustained by a feeding tube and was ventilator dependent from the day after he was born. He was beautiful up until the very end. He had big brown eyes that he got from me! He passed away very peacefully at
the hospital, surrounded by family. My husband and I laid next to him until he went Home.
We decided to try again. Surely God wouldn't do this to us twice, right? In 2004, we had a daughter, Elizabeth ("Ellie"). But once again, she was transferred to Riley for the same conerns. But Ellie didn't seem to be affected as severly as her big brother. She could breathe on her own, and this alone, was uplifting! Maybe she could overcome this disorder...
As time went on, she weakened, until the day came that she aspirated and had to be taken to the hospital. She was put on the ventilator and was never able to be weaned off of it. Probably eventually she would have had to go on it. I guess the aspiration was God's way of making the decision for us. We had no choice. For 2 long weeks, she lay in the hospital, full of her energy and spunk (she was spunky!) She was herself, just attached to a breathing device. So you can imagine the decision that we now faced. Take her home and watch her deteriorate like Noah did or let her peacefully pass on to be with him, eternally in Heaven, finally united as brother and sister!! We chose the latter. The single-most, hardest thing we have ever endured. It's one thing when you're making this decision for a family member who has lived a full life, but this was a whole other ball game. This was our baby girl, who otherwise was fine for the moment. And only 4 months old.
The next part of this story haunts me to this day. I chose to not be in the room while Ellie passed. My husband was there of course, holding her, singing to her, praying for her. But I chosed to stay away because I just couldn't handle watching another one of my children slip out of my arms. The moment she had gone to be with the Lord and her brother, they came and got me and I held her. I just couldn't believe it. And really still can't as I write this tonight. Today I blame myself for making such a selfish decision to not be present. Did she know I wasn't there? Did she need her mama? This is what keeps me up at night and will sideline me in an instant. This is what I need to forgive myself for.
So here comes the anger part. WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? We all scream that, right??? It's just not right. It's JUST. NOT. RIGHT. It's JUST. NOT. FAIR.
I have A LOT of healing yet to do. Pamela has been a huge support to me. We were connected by death. By the death of our children, as we all are connected now. Wow. What a crazy way to be connected. IT SUCKS. But, there's a beautiful side to this story, my story...
Pamela and I are now connected by LIFE. By a little boy named Christopher Clyde, my son, who has big brown eyes like mine! God had a plan. Had I not gone through what I did, I wouldn't know her to the extent that I do now, nor would I have this beautiful boy in my life.
Beautiful things will come to all of you again. We just have to learn to recognize the many forms those beautiful things come in.
Hugs to all of you.