Welcome to Hope for Grieving Mothers

If you are new to this club (that no one asked to join- the one where your child has died), it is best to start by going to the BOTTOM RIGHT and look at the "Pages" section. Under this section you will find resources for mothers who are grieving the loss of their child. Resources to help your children deal with grief are also grouped together.

Next, feel free to look at the "Blog Archives." There are many topics that you may have an interest in reading. As you girlies know, we now have Teflon brains and often cannot have the focus power that we have had in the past. Feel free to come here often and hopefully you will FEEL the loving support that me and other mamas are sending. Hopefully you will begin to see sparks of hope for your future...

Hugs... Pamela

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Ready or not, here comes the next round of holidays.

Warning: We are approaching another potentially challenging time in the year. Many people struggle with holidays because it is a magnifying glass of the changes in our family and our lives. Society will notice and remember the struggles of Thanksgiving and Christmas- because they are the biggies. The "secondary" holidays are now approaching.... Easter, Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Fathers Day, July 4, then Labor day. Wow! Labor Day? The point is that there is a "series" of family oriented holidays that will pop up in a row. Please do not feel overwhelmed!!

How can we prepare to face this?

Plan ahead. Do not let the holiday sneak up on you and catch you off guard. Be aware that its coming so you can emphasize the positives and decrease the negatives.

Conserve your energy. This is often an energy zapper. Make plans but do not nail yourself to a strict schedule. Many feel better when they are busy and planning gatherings, but others do not. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. Do you really need to invite the entire family to your home with a full spread of food etc? Conserve your energy. Be kind to yourself.

Allow yourself time to recognize the empty chair. We know that everything has changed. Everything. The way that our family looks, the changes in our family traditions, the way that our family interacts... Yep, everything. Sometimes it's best just to privately recognize it early on so it doesn't ruin your entire day.

Recognize that everyone else will not understand the intensity of your thoughts and emotions regarding the loss of your child... Especially during these "secondary" holidays. Forgive them in advance. This is often a time when we feel that others are insensitive. Remember that everyone's grief is individual.

So aren't you glad that you've read this chipper note?! Don't you love that I'm pointing out all of the negatives?! Now it's time for the POSITIVES.

Look at each person present in your life and value them "today." Recognize that it is a gift to have these people in your life... Because one day they too will be gone.

Not all things that come out of pain, extreme loss, and grief are bad. It's hard to see this in the darkness.

I will tell you that I would give all of my earthly possessions to have my son back on this earth with me.... But I wouldn't want to be the person that I was in the past. Oh, I was a good person... But this new person has her core values in order. People matter. Things do not. Please do not get me wrong, I enjoy nice things, but they aren't the driving force for my life. I can rattle on and on about ME, but instead, just know that grief will change you in a positive way eventually.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace. 2 Corinthians 4:16. The Message version."

Remember that the first holidays are the worst. Be patient with yourself and do not let "one day" of a holiday ruin many days of your life. Keep putting your feet on the floor. Keep moving. Focus on your living children and family members. We are going to make it, together. I look forward to any comments that you make. Hugs to each one of you....

Pamela

"It is in the darkest skies that stars are best seen."
-Richard Paul Evans

Friday, March 15, 2013

Remembrances of the weekend

This last weekend I made the journey to Tennessee to see my new little granddaughter. My oldest son lives in Tennessee with his wife and baby... and my middle son is buried in Tennessee as well.

Because Logan was buried in my ex husbands family cemetery, I haven't been there in over three years. I oozed of thoughts of Logan much of the weekend. As I drove home, I realized that I should write down all of the things that made me remember Logan this last weekend. When I write these things down, it helps me. It's ok to miss Logan. It doesn't feel great sometimes but that's fine too! He deserves to be remembered and even ached for at times. I am his MAMA after all! This is my personal example of how I remembered him this weekend.

Entering the state of Tennessee. Seeing and eating at a Cracker Barrel. That's where we took Logan to eat the night before he died. Country fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy and fried okra. Listening to music and hearing a few certain songs. Passing by East town mall and remembering a "where's mom incident" that is now humorous to our family. Remembering the wonderful friends and family that followed us to Tennessee when we buried him. Remembering the bizarre Tennessee customs of burial. Passing the Kentucky bourbon signs on the way. The rock that hit my windshield reminded me that one of the vehicles we drove to the funeral had a rock hit the windshield On the trip.

See... Several of these happened when Logan was alive. Some happened after his death and during the trauma of his death. Sadly, I suppose his life is still intertwined in his death in my mind. My thoughts and eventual goal is that the trauma of his death is just a shadow of remembrance and his life is much more emphasized when I think of him.

I am a firm believer in "Therapeutic Journaling." This is a different type of journaling than you have EVER done. You know those thoughts that run away in your head and repeat themselves? Sometimes they change and sometimes they stay too long. Regardless, type these thoughts down and actually put true words to them and then send them away to an email address. I created a "free" gmail address with the specific purpose of holding these thoughts.

There are several bonuses that you will receive when therapeutic journaling:

-Putting real words to crazy feelings and thoughts.

-Releasing it by sending it away to the big computer in the sky.

-Reading it a year later and thinking- wow! I don't feel like I've made any progress but I suppose I have.

I challenge each of you to write down what makes you think of your child in a therapeutic journaling manner. Hugs to each of you as you enter the weekend.

Pamela
Holeheartedmamas@gmail.com