Anyone ever watch the movie "vantage point?" This movie depicts an event that occurred through different people's eyes. One person saw this event and then they "rewound" to the beginning to show the same story from a different vantage point. Then they did it again. Rewound. Another persons vantage point. Every one has a different perspective and viewpoint.
This is everyone's lives. Especially during tragedy and trauma. We see the world in a singular view - and tunneled vision- after the loss of our child. It's a matter of survival. We are very tunneled visioned. It's just the way it is.... We can't HELP it!
Allow me to explain... NO ONE will know how you feel. NO ONE will ever understand how you feel. Even me.... Or other mamas. We have a singular vantage view for our own situation.
Example girlies... My friend Tricia lost her son right before his senior year. I lost my son before his senior year... I can only try to imagine her tragic individual situation and the aftermath- TRY but i cant!!-- because its so very different. My friend Nancy did CPR on her teenager daughter one autumn morning. I also did CPR on my son but our situations are sooooo very different. Even the vantage point from my now ex husband is very different from my vantage point. His relationship with my son was different because HE was Logan's only daddy. I was my sons only mama. We saw and experienced the loss of our son.... Together but differently. Separately. Eventually slowly dividing into a great cavern. :(
I will say that this is NATURAL--- not normal-- because none of this is normal.
How does this fit into my life this very minute? Allow me to explain. I have spent the past week with my darling parents. I'm blessed to be able to travel with them at this stage in both of our lives. My parents cannot possibly understand the loss of a child. They cannot understand how I feel... But...
My father had the sudden loss of his mother when he was a very young man of twenty... And far away in the navy.
My mother had the tragedy of losing her oldest brother suddenly ( when she was a teen) while he was away in the military-- One day before he was to depart home. My grandmother also experienced the loss of two full term infants (Janice Marie and Baby boy). This CERTAINLY affected my mothers childhood. But how? I can't truly imagine. For my grandmother, to lose her oldest son at her own middle aged point of her life... To bury three children is unimaginable to me. The memories of my grandmother is always of a woman who I viewed as an overall sad person. Since Logan's death, I've dreamed of seeing her now and having grown up dialogue... One grieving mama toanother grieving Mama. Sadly, it took my sons death to allow me to have a tiny window into my grandmothers world.
How did these losses affect my parents as young adults? How did these losses affect their lives? The way they raised me? I have no idea and I suspect they do not either.
More importantly, how do OUR losses affect those around US. Our children who see things from a different vantage point..... The other members of our family who have had their own past grief experiences (without ANY grief support or acknowledgement - I might add).
The point behind this long dialogue.... No one will understand how we areindividually feeling or our thoughts. Please remember that their advice and understanding of this world that we've been tossed into is colored with their own experiences.
I don't know about you but this is a vantage point that I could not imagine at the one year or two year or three year or four year point. But it's true.... We are so tunnel visioned focused that the way that others grieve isn't apparent to us until we are clearer in our own vision with the fog lifting.
Today- I THANK and commend those pioneers of grief who walked alone. Those children who had parents swallowed in sorrow that they couldn't focus on their children-- those parents who tried to push through the dark forest of the unknown. All of these people deserve a little latitude and gratitude as we continue to journey through this fog called grief.
On the other hand, if you open your eyes to the unknowing folks who are there for US during moments of our struggles. That adorable young man at the hotel who kindly listened to me rattle on and on... ( I know this is common, me rattling....) the man at Napas winery who was kind with soft spoken redirecting words on wine tasting and wine making as I was struggling though the day of Logan's birthday-- he had no idea where my mind was.
The point is - often we are "sent" people into our lives for a moment and a season to help boost us up over a hurdle. Recognize that our loving God doesn't announce them with trumpets. They may not even know it... But they are put there at a time and place in our world.
Thoughts? Pop me an email. I've tremendously valued the emails and friendships that I've established though this "mama club".
Keep putting those tootsies on the floor every day, in a rhythm... You'll one day feel the control back into your life when you do this. Control helps provide us comfort and hope when we are wandering through the dark.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness,/ riches stored in secret places,/ that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." (Isa. 45:3)
As always, hugs my girlfriends.... Sisters in this crazy club that we didn't ask to join. Hopefully you feel sparks of light today.