This is my fb post today. I've actually written this in advance. I've learned that advanced preparation is best to control my emotions. THAT didnt work so well on Mother's Day at church! Ha! If you are unaware of what I'm referring to, read the last post.
I can tell you that in preparing for my sons birthday in the past, I felt foggy leading up to the day. It was as if my body said.... NO! It can't possibly happen again!
It's therapeutic to write things down. It allows you to sort out the crazy feelings that we have when our child dies.... And those days roll around again.
Hugs to each of you mamas as we continue putting our feet on the floor... In good days and bad.
Now- an evening addendum at the end of the day. Remember that not one person in this world knows how you feel. You will potentially be short tempered and very touchy. Doesn't it stink to kinda "need" to take a vacation day to deal with crap that no one should deal with?! The birthday and anniversary. Rght now when I'm grumpy and sorrowful alone-- or when I try so hard to stay busy I snap. In all reality, it was very poor planning to vacation this week with my folks. They deserve a "better" and more patient me. Oh, the lessons that we learn. Next year ill be at a beach in the sunshine or snoozing in bed. Who knows?! It's another layer of sadness that Logan's birthday provokes tears.... I do not cry on Wesley or Callie's birthday. Thoughts?!
Thank you to everyone who is listening. Normally i feel that i can toss sparks of light- but this day im too tired. This little brain leak of mine called a website/ blog is spreading slowly to other mamas. Today, I feel totally incapable of conceptualizing thoughts and sentences... Tomorrow is another day, sisters. You are watching me from a distance melt into the silence of the evening.... Gentle tears alone.... I still say none of this is normal but it's natural. Hopefully this window into my world helps someone. Idk.
Here it is....
Today I celebrate my son Logan's birthday. Although Logan would only spend 17 years on this earth with us, I still will never forget the day of his birth and arrival into our family. He was funny and sweet and endearing. When a child comes into this world, we celebrate and remember the day that they were born. When a child dies, it is STILL appropriate and important to remember their birthday... Their LIFE and impact on our family and the world. Even though we try to focus on the smiles and memories, sorrow is in the shadows as we ponder the "What might have beens." I miss him tremendously. All of us do... The length of time since I have touched his face and hair and heard his voice is getting longer.... 2125 days... Today I remember Logan Steven Parker's 23rd birthday - but forever 17....