Welcome to Hope for Grieving Mothers

If you are new to this club (that no one asked to join- the one where your child has died), it is best to start by going to the BOTTOM RIGHT and look at the "Pages" section. Under this section you will find resources for mothers who are grieving the loss of their child. Resources to help your children deal with grief are also grouped together.

Next, feel free to look at the "Blog Archives." There are many topics that you may have an interest in reading. As you girlies know, we now have Teflon brains and often cannot have the focus power that we have had in the past. Feel free to come here often and hopefully you will FEEL the loving support that me and other mamas are sending. Hopefully you will begin to see sparks of hope for your future...

Hugs... Pamela

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Fathers perspective. Dale Hubbard.

When putting together this blog, I recognized that I could ONLY speak about grief from a mothers perspective. I'm not a father who has lost a child.   

Several weeks ago I requested that an old hometown friend write about his experience-- from a fathers perspective. 

"I am not going to bore you with a lot of past garbage but in 1965 I was in So.Vietnman sitting on the hill side behind a machine gun on guard. One of the guys brought me a letter - which was the highlight of our day. When I opened the letter and started to read the words, they jumped off of the page at me. HONEY KENNETH DIED DURING BIRTH. 

We were excited that after first having a daughter, we were now expecting a son. Well now we found out that it was not to be. 

I had no idea how to make the pain better.  I got drunk thinking this would ease the pain, but it didnt.   A close friend told me that I needed to give it to GOD. I took about six years for me to realize I was mad at God. 

God never said that life would be easy for us.  He did promise that He would walk with us through it. 

Many years later, everything in our life was great.   We had it made until 11 years ago when the doctor looked at us and said it is a little thing called cancer. I will say it is not such a little thing. Blanche took me by the hand and said God will see us through this. He has -- even though she had to have her right breast removed a year later."

Let me explain further, Dale and Blanche lost their son before WE as a society began to have any clue about "grief theory."  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is the first researcher to ever study grief. Although her five stages of grief are considered unproven and oversimplified by many now, she was a ground breaking scientist in the late 1960's. She was the chick in medical school who made everyone aware that there IS grief. It is real. How do we help people?  How does it work?

The faith in our loving God and in Heaven as a real PLACE helps many of us come to terms with where our child is and that we will all be reunited again. I WILL say that faith alone does NOT make the pain better. I wondered on a daily basis, in that first year or two, if my faith just wasn't strong enough. I STILL HURT!  So if I pray and I have faith, then WHY does it still hurt?  

Honestly, this is what i consider the danger time period in which many people will become bitter and lose faith in God. This is when well meaning Christian folks unknowling hurt the grieving.  Our society believes in a smoke and mirrors God that believes that its all going to be better with a few prayers. I began to detest those words "Give it to God."  I did blurt out on a few occasions "REALLY?!  Think I haven't DONE that?!"  (FYI- if you have met me in real life, you already know that I say what I think-- not always using my socially acceptable vocabulary-- sometimes to a fault!)

Like Dale stated, God never promised us exemption from suffering, but He promised to be with us through the suffering.  He sits with us in the reality of our losses and makes Himself known to us.  In the darkest night of our souls, when we've lost our way.   He is there.  

Hold on to this promise:  Your season of grief will change.  You will become stronger and you will feel joy in your heart again.  I'm sure there were moments when David, the shepherd, king, and psalmist, thought the song and joy of his heart was lost forever.  As this Scripture reveals, God did not fail him.  He will not fail you either. He hasn't failed me (but I had my season of doubt that the pain would leave)
 
The Lord is my strength and my shield;  My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;  Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.  Psalm 28:7 NASB

So DON'T feel like your faith isn't good enough or that you have been abandoned by God during this grieving process. Remember.... We NOW KNOW that It's a process. A long long process. No one could walk Dale and Blanche through  their horror.  Grief wasn't understood.   It was mysterious and frightening (true THAT!!) . On the positive side- there is the promise that the pain will diminish. Not by the magic wand that God waves when we pray the "best" and most "heartfelt" prayers.... But by our loving God silently giving us strength and little gifts -- quiet comforts with the hope of a new day tomorrow. Eternal promises. 

Final statement. God hasn't failed you.  He's there. Close by.... Keep putting those tootsies on the floor every day. Every day. Rhythm. It'll give you comfort and control. Thank you my dear friend Dale for your insight. I honor you and Blanche. Now and always. 

Thoughts?  Love private emails. You gals have proven to me to be private and quiet. Hugs to each one of you. 

Pamela Parker 
Holeheartedmamas@gmail.com. 







2 comments:

  1. Such hopeful words for those who are on the lonely, desolate road of grief...you provide hope for renewed faith, hope for better days, hope for light again where there is none.

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  2. Agreed. It's a tough road that we now tread. Every moment is hard. However, in order to grieve healthy, we have to seek Him and have faith. I am fighting for this.
    I prayed for my kids,for protection, every night. Waking up to that 1:00 a.m. call was total devastation. After hearing the words my son was shot; I prayed all the way to the hospital "God, please don't take him". Since he died, I have had a hard time praying. However, I know I cannot make it without Him. And I will continue to try to gain faith and pray. It's hard. I can relate to this story. And I appreciate you adding it to your blog. The words are comforting.Grieving well and continuing to live with a purpose is very much our choice. We're all trying.....

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