Isn't it hard at times to conceptualize that the world has moved on without them? Our world stopped suddenly with our loss. It is another layer of the many layers of our loss and grief.
After Logan died, I was surprised how many phone calls that I received from military recruiters. It shook me to have a telephone call with a person requesting to speak to Logan. Each time, I caught my breath and told them- "I'm sorry but he died." I always felt bad for the person on the other end of the phone - who was apologetic and horrified. Each time this occurred, I politely asked for him to be removed from the list.
Two years after the death of Logan, I was stunned but puzzled when Logan was selected to appear for jury duty. This was less shocking because i was more concerned that someone had stolen his identity. When I called the courthouse, the woman was very apologetic and stated that she would remove him from "the list." I thanked her but I really wanted to understand how this happened. She said "did he have a drivers license?" I replied that he did not. This was actually a painful question because I had lost his birth certificate and I had just received the replacement-- So he had not had the opportunity to apply for his drivers license. Then she asked if he had registered to vote- in which I replied that he died at the age of 17. THEN she asked if he had paid taxes. Hmmmm. YES! Logan HAD paid a tiny sum of $100 taxes while he worked at the ice cream store. THEN I had this thought that I blurted out loud... "Let me get this straight. He had no drivers license and had not registered to vote and was called for jury duty?" She quietly said "yes."
I then said "seriously? A person without a drivers license, who hasn't registered to vote and barely paying taxes could be a jury of MY PEERS?!"
She quietly said "yes." I started laughing hysterically. That poor gal on the other end of the phone now thinks that I'm crazy. Maybe she's right! Ha!
In times of stress, I am now finally able to occasionally use humor to defuse the intensity of my own grief and others reactions. Anyone else do this? Unless a person knows me, my humor often falls flat. Ok-- even if they know me it falls flat too! :)
There is nothing humorous about losing a child. There is nothing funny about being in the pit of darkness when you cannot see any light. But.... Once you've been shrouded in the heaviness of dark, torturous, and lonely grief... Then when you finally see sparks of light and joy... THAT can make you CRAVE more joy. At least that's what has happened to me.
Where are you in your journey? Can you see any sparks of light? Can you see hope for tomorrow? My girlie girls.... There is hope. There is life beyond the darkness. Hold tight to these truths. The rest of the world will not understand these eruptions, but the rest of the mamas will empathize.
Hugs to each of you as you endure these surprising eruptions. Hold on girls.... You can do this. We are in this thing together....