It's Saturday afternoon and I have laid down for a nap. After crawling into bed, I noticed that my closet door is open.... A light blue polo shirt is peering out among my other hanging clothes. This shirt-- and the memory that is tagged along with it -- made me smile. I haven't worn this shirt in a while. It is my Logan's shirt.
I began to think of the memory triggers that bring Logan to my mind. Because Logan has never lived in THIS house, it is often seeing an item that was his that brings forth a memory. The memories are often triggered from something I hear, see, smell, taste, or feel.
Recently, my tiny grand baby was suddenly and critically ill. My Logan's life, as well as his death, was quietly brought to all of our minds during this frightening time. Actually, it was mostly the unpleasant memories-- the fear and knowledge of what happens when prayers aren't answered and the child slips away. In January, those were very frightening days in the pediatric ICU, as we prayed and stayed near little buddy's side. Thankfully my little grand baby is healthy once again. Prayers were definitely answered.
Time is slipping further away from when Logan was earthly present in my life. In the beginning of this grief journey, every pore in my body oozed of Logan. Every thought was overwhelmed with thoughts of Logan. At this stage in our grief, these thoughts are "natural"-- and make a note that I'll never use the words "normal."
Where I am now in my grief journey, I usually do not carry these memories with heaviness and a sorrowful heart. Today, I am flooded with specific thoughts of the silliness and joy, as well as chaos, that was Logan. That light blue shirt serves as a reminder that he WAS here. Remembering Logan and the blue shirt can now make me smile. Thankfully, pain does not always accompany these memories any longer.
Logan never lived in this house. His room is packed away. Also, his memories are packed away--- but now in a special way. They are more neatly organized and stored.... like an elaborate pop up book that allows the memories to quietly fold out into 3D.... I can enjoy the beauty as they unfold for me to enjoy. When it is time, I can then neatly tuck them away into their safe place once again.... My pop up memory book can now safely close until the next time.
Remember that grief is a journey. I am very thankful to be at this place in my grief journey.... Today.
Hugs, my dear friends. As always, I enjoy hearing from each of you.
PS- I am in the process of converting this blog into a more useable website. It is important that resources are readily available. Any help or insight is tremendously appreciated!