This is the anniversary month of Logan's death. Until today, July has been marching along rather nicely. I recently mentioned to a friend that every year is different and unexpected. I now personally totally detest not having control. Welcome to the life of a grieving mom! You would think that I am NEW at this! Truly-- I am constantly slowly understanding new concepts regarding time and grief.
So-- this year I've been exceptionally busy as "the day" approaches. Examples-- Soon I'll be able to share an article that I've written regarding the lessons that I've learned regarding Logan's death. It's being published in a major nursing magazine the last week in July. THIS situation has brought me joy because I never dreamed that at the eight year point that any positive value could be manufactured from his death. We all want to find VALUE and meaning in our children's death. This is a solid truth.
I am also working on another cause that is very important to me. I have a friend who has a child with a progressive illness who has taken a very negative turn. You will soon be seeing my heartfelt pleas for your assistance on Facebook in their gofund me account.
So-- this sister has been busy. Very busy. I have not even listed all of my activities. Today- Everything changed as I began to have the time to "feel" July. I hate July. It is the suckiest month of the year. It has always been (for many reasons) the worst month of the year, but Logan's death sealed it's fate.
What should I do? Obviously I cannot skip an entire month of the year. Although it is a fantastic concept in theory, it is absurd-- and I am confessing that I have attempted it. In the past I've made grand attempts to sleep most of this month away. That was semi successful but in the end, I lost DAYS of my LIFE. I TRULY feel that each day is a treasure and a blessing.... So WHAT do I do?! How do I freaking cope?!
Suggestions- Today I ran errands with a friend while enjoying laughter and friendship. We each had a massage and later I briefly visited another dear pal. Seeing a few of my supportive and authentic friends has been quietly and personally encouraging.
Several of you know that I have developed a love for specialty teas. This weekend I have made a few of my favs and have (surprisingly) ordered even more. As I sipped the tea, I savored the taste of the white ginger pear. The smell, the taste, the entire experience of making and sharing it with friends brought me joy.
What else gives me happiness and comfort? Listening to the birds and the rustle of the trees on my back porch. The quiet that I hear when I just SIT. I was never much of a "sitter" during silence until the past few years-- and now I consider this a gift.
Other great pleasures-- Watching the occasional hummingbird wander over to my feeder. Texting and having great meaningful and humorous dialogues with friends. Telling stories about my kids-- the living ones as well as the one who died. Sunday I went to a fun concert with a pal- Train and The Fray. The amphitheater was filled with positive energy and was just plain fun. Also, As crazy as it sounds-- Messaging grieving mothers that there really IS hope for a better future is encouraging. I am NOT where they are NOW. I firmly believe that although my stomach is nauseated tonight and I am just not "me" tonight, there IS hope.
It is not year one. Or two. Or five or seven-- it is it's own new year and season. A season that now understands that the occasional draining of energy is natural and IS inconvenient- but it has great purposes. One of those important purposes is to remember-- and the remembrances of our lost child is what a mama needs to heal and is what our babies deserve.
So-- a toast and tribute to healing and remembrances. Looking forward to July 24-- the day after the day. Thankful for each day of life and all of the friendships that are gifted to me. Please understand and recognize that MY gift to YOU is the transparency of my thoughts. Hugs and blessings to each of you.