When Logan died, the sound of the bird's twittering was painful to me. How could birds continue to sing when everything stopped? I still received a daily newspaper in my driveway. How could they continue to produce a newspaper? How could the sun continue to rise and set? My world had stopped. Why was time still moving? This time meant that the distance between having Logan here was growing longer. That thought made me very anxious and confused.
Logan died on the most beautifully perfect day. Sunny and clear with bright beautiful flowers and grass. All of this seemed so odd because my life had stopped. How could I continue to breathe without ALL three of my babies here? I couldn't remember how to be a mother to my living children or even how to be a person. I was lost and afraid. I was in survival mode- and I was failing. I wanted the old "me" back. I was constantly nauseated and nothing in life made any sense. I sighed a lot. I would sit in any chair and slowly rock-- not even realizing this. Subconsciously, I think I was trying to comfort myself. Eventually, one day I was rocking and one of my friends quickly said "stop! Please!" My friends were overwhelmed with these changes in me. It was disturbing to them too!! I wanted me back too!!
I did not know how I was going to get out of that place, but I knew that I could not live in this place forever. I eventually committed myself to the phrase "grieving forward." I had no idea the path that I would take, but I knew that I needed to attempt this journey.
Fast forward eight years- I can now say that I deeply feel great contentment and peace. I probably laugh more than the average person. Deeply, deeply thankful...
Yesterday I shared with several other healthcare providers some of the lessons that I have learned about grief. Afterwards, one brave person told me about the loss of her brother when she was a teen. She shared with me a poem that has been impactful to her life.
These thoughts are natural. Yes-- I am sharing these thoughts so you can know that these thoughts ARE natural. I hope that this can give you a tiny spark of hope and strength as you continue the journey towards healing.
Hugs to my mama friends.... Pamela
Stop All The Clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let the airplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday's rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-W. H. Auden