When Logan died I was numb. After the numbness wore off I was shocked at how physically painful grief feels. Eventually, I cursed the morning. The thought of beginning and enduring a new day seemed like a daunting task. Every day I tried to put my feet on the floor. This was often one of the most challenging part of the day. In the evening, i cursed the night. Sleep was elusive to me. I would often lay in the bed and try to sleep. If I could eventually fall asleep with the aid of medications, I would later become a prisoner of the early morning hours- unable to sleep.
When Logan first died, I tried very hard to push through. At the four month period, I "called in" sick. I just could not go to work. I could not put my feet on the floor. My reserves were empty. I did not see any hope for a future without pain. Physical and emotional pain
After awhile I could no longer articulate my thoughts when I prayed. I was uncertain what to even say to God. I had prayed for Him to heal Logan but Logan still died. I was not mad at God but I definitely was speechless. I did think-Why did others have their prayers answered? Did they have better hearts than mine or did they deserve for healing more than Logan?
Now I know that these thoughts and feelings are natural. Of course God wanted Logan healed- but healing does not always occur in the manner in which we desire. He was healed after he left this earth. In Heaven.
I have been taught to speak to God like a friend when praying. How many times can you pray for the pain to go away but yet it remains.
In those speechless weeks and months, I found myself going through the motions and praying the Lord's Prayer. Now I realize that this prayer in itself created healing for me. Read with me the words:
Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Now, I am once again able to pray and talk to God. I still find myself reciting this prayer when I am anxious.
After enduring many years and seasons of grief, I am thankful to be on the other side of grief… the side of grief that is no longer cursing the morning and the night time. The side of grief that knows joy.