So- I essentially suck as a blogger. I am not totally technologically dumb but I am now forced with a new learning curve. The iPhone app for my blog is now too old and could not be updated. I had to find a new one. It recently published an old blog I had been reading. Sigh. So-What's been going on?
I could feel it trembling from inside. It had been a long time since I have felt this vulnerable and afraid. As I laid in bed, exhausted from a week filled with meetings and life, it was now Friday evening. As I sat in the silence, I could feel it coming. I have finally taken "control" in my life and now I am about to let it swallow me? I was sobbing. Blah. This is far from control.
Now it is Saturday. No plans are made and I am anxious. My significant other asks if I would like to come to his house. Well- no. I want to stay at my house. I like my little respite house. My perspective is limited to only mine. I am tired and frustrated. I just want to scream... and I cannot exactly tell you why. But I am tired. Why do I feel this bad?! I have been a faithful person doing my grief work!!
How do you celebrate the 10th anniversary of your child's last birthday? What makes this one so special?
Over the last ten years, one thing that I have become good at is understanding predictability. At least I thought.... ha.
I always advise for mothers to prepare for triggers and important days. I realized this about five years ago when I tried to work on Logans birthday. Certain this would be fine... I was very wrong. Example: I needed to call report on a patient, so I called three different telephone numbers before I landed on the right unit. Our brains needs a little lag time on these special days.
So, currently, I am practicing the art of patience. I am rereading my own words of advice. I am crying... a lot... surprisingly. I even cried during my mani and pedi. I finally decided to go stay at my significant others home on Sunday. We did life together that day- which included grocery shopping and planning. He noticed my sorrow and constantly tried to make me laugh - without tremendous success. I did feel much better with his ever present support. I love him for many reasons- but his unconditional support has extra value.
So- just a few days until the "big" day. Interestingly, I wonder if Logan were alive- would even notice that his 27th birthday would be a big deal? To a mother whose child has been ripped from her, it is a big deal. I am glad he is at home in Heaven, but redefining normal is apparently a continuous process improvement.
Hugs to each of you as we continuously strive to redefine normal.