Ten years ago Logan died. Eight years ago I divorced his father and life became exponentially complicated as I became an empty nester and single for the first time. Three years ago I became brave enough to purchase another house. Although this was the fifth house that I purchased, it was the first home that I had purchased one alone. When I did this, i will confess that I was frightened. Change is often challenging for a griever. When I moved, I had minimal assistance sorting through the 25 years of memories that were packed in boxes. Those boxes made me anxious. So they sat in my garage... Lots of them. Shoved into the corner and to the side. Mixed with lawn tools and painting supplies.
Three years have passed and I have become comfortable quickly exiting the garage after parking my car. A few times friends have helped me slowly thin the boxes down, but too many boxes and memories remained in my garage.
As my life is moving forward with my sweetheart, I knew that it was time to face these boxes. It was time to face these memories. When he mentioned last week that we should clean out the garage before winter, I immediately began to feel anxious.
When he arrived at my house, he gently directed me towards a pile of unknown memories in a stack of boxes. I scratched and scratched and my heart was racing. Whenever I looked at these boxes and pondered over opening up unexpected memories and emotions, I felt my heart race and became nauseated. I could not focus and I just wanted to run. I certainly looked crazy. Actually, I was crazy.
In the middle of the scratching, I surprised myself when I found a few pleasant treasures. I was absolutely delighted when I discovered old photos of all of my children. Not just my deceased kid, but my other two children, who I love more than I can adequately express. I found works of art created by my oldest son and also by my daughter. I smiled as I remembered being a mom to all THREE of my children. I found so many treasures that were unexpected! This garage sorting chore allowed me to remember Logans LIFE- his life with his siblings as well as their lives! After all, he WAS here on this earth for 17 years.
Last Thursday, the garage was sorted, cleaned, and organized. I am so thankful that my sweetheart was in charge. I clung to him when I was overwhelmed with emotion and also when I found one of the many treasures of my children that I wanted to share with him.
Our grief and these tragedies of life can pile up and we can avoid it... for years, like I did. Eventually, we must make peace with our past and our lives as a whole in order to make room for the present. To make room for the newness of Gods bounty. To make room for our future on this earth. Why? For this is the best way to honor our deceased children.... the best way to honor them is to live a life on this earth that would make them proud.