Today I am mad. Yes, I am thoroughly mad. Being angry is an unusual emotion for me to feel.
Although I have taken good care of my teeth, I have cracked a tooth and have developed an abscess. The left side of my mouth is painfully swollen and I have discovered that this tooth cannot be saved. I did everything I was supposed to do to take care of my teeth, but still a tooth is dying. And quite honestly I am just mad.
After much thought, I recognize that the reality of the situation is that I am scared and sad. Anger is a much more comfortable emotion than fear and sorrow.
I am certainly not comparing my tooth drama with the death of my child, but this is a great example of how anger is much more comfortable than sorrow. I have known people who have spent so much time being angry that it became their most comfortable emotion. They never embraced the healing that can happen when you feel and experience authentic and deep sorrow. No one wants to grieve and sorrow is miserable
There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but strength of will. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand words ever could. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. Tears are the messengers of a heart that cries out.
It is my belief that every time you lose yourself in tears and sobbing, the next time you will not stay as long and you will not go as deep. Tears are a gift and help us heal. If only everyone knew how hard it is to do these tasks. The scariest time for myself was when I could no longer cry. If you find yourself at this place, please seek the guidance of a professional counselor. I was blessed with great people who intermittently guided me out of the darkness. One of the keys to this journey is to wipe your tears, stand up, and continue to grieve forward... every single day.
Friends, I have been trying to write these thoughts for several months. This is personally a very emotional topic for me because I have been the target of intense anger and unresolved grief. I have needed to step back and understand these thoughts and emotions.
Our children have died and this is forever life altering and scary. It is also life altering for each member of our family. It would be so much more helpful if everyone grieved at the same pace and in the same way!! Devastation is the only word that applies to the loss of our children. For this reason, I hold onto these words- “The Lord will give strength unto his people. The Lord will bless his people with peace.” Ps 29:11
I have experienced the truth that there is hope for a better future- a future which is filled with peace. It is important that we redefine normal in our lives and hold onto the mantra to “grieve forward”. Wishing this peace could be passed along to everyone else, but we each must have our own journey through the darkness in order to experience the joy.
My tooth drama will continue for a few months but it will eventually resolve, as well as my fear. In some ways, i can breathe and recognize the true definition of a bad day. This is not fun, but, no one died. After all this is just an inconvenience of life… Because we are living.