People create blogs for a variety of reasons. This blog was not started as therapy to help myself by writing my thoughts. Instead it happened because of a series of events that pushed me out of my comfort zone. Since i began to write publicly, it has been important for me to focus on the hope and Healing that CAN occur after the devastating loss of your child.
Now, I have decided that I will finally publicly share portions of my very private story and personal journey.
After Logan died, I was a mess. I could not eat or sleep or think clearly. The “nurse” part of my life was obsessed with trying to understand how he died. The “mother” side of me was completely destroyed. In the beginning I felt numb. After a few weeks the numbness left and my entire body hurt all the time. I had no idea that grief could be so physically painful.
Logan stopped breathing at home after an outpatient surgery. I did rescue breathing and then full CPR on the floor of my living room. No one really understood how Logan died for four months, which is how long it took for us to receive a death certificate. You cannot measure the oxygenation status of a dead person. For the record, he died from complications of sleep apnea- CO 2 narcosis.
Anyway, life was bad. The Previous Pamela constantly strived for control in her life and environment. The After Pamela became a person who did not sleep for nine months with zero control of anything. Literally- I could not sleep more than an hour or two at a time. I craved and longed for sleep. The days were long and the night were longer. Painfully quiet. Thoughts of Logan constantly oozed out of my pores.
I have read that the death of a loved one can be described as an amputation of your soul. At that time, I was not certain that I could live through the pain. I sought out people who had also lost children. I constantly asked them “What can i do to make it better?!” No one had answers. I could not live in that place forever... I just could not. I felt like I was dropped into a dark and foreign land, where no one spoke the language and I was all alone.
At the four month point, I called into work to let them know I was sick. It was the first and only time that i did this after Logan was ripped from me. My coping reserves and mechanisms were gone... Completely depleted. My friend Jennifer took the call at work. She said - “let me make a phone call and I will call you back.” She made an appointment for me to see a counselor that evening. She came to my home and picked me up. She drove me there. She sat next to me, when I frighteningly had few tears. She held my hand and sobbed for me and eventually with me. She then drove me home.
See- Jennifer loved me as a friend SOOOO much that she did not TELL me what to do... She took me by the hand and led and guided me. My friend Jennifer intimately knew grief and loss. She had desperately longed for a baby. She endured many fertility treatments and was eventually ecstatic to learn that they were pregnant with triplets. In one day everything changed when she lost all three of these babies. Jennifer intimately knew grief because she had also experienced the devastation of loss.
At this time in their lives, they had been trying to adopt a child for over a year.
On the way home that night, I said to Jennifer, “Wouldn’t it be nice if God was planting a seed tonight for you to have a baby?” We both quietly smiled as we pondered at this thought.
Fast forward several months... Through a series of unusual and “ironic” events, Jennifer and her husband had been given the opportunity to adopt an infant.
Guess when Baby William was born?! Baby William was born exactly nine months and one day after my Logan’s death.
Ponder over this statement- At the exact same time that I was experiencing unfathomable sorrow, our very loving God was planting a seed for one of my dear friends to experience unfathomable joy.
I firmly believe that this was not ironic. I believe that the timing of his birth was a gift from our loving God to comfort and show me.... “Pamela. You cannot understand My plan. You simply cannot understand. Your son is safe. This puzzle is WAY bigger than you can imagine.” This was one of the moments that I felt God’s comforting hand during my sorrow.
It was at this point that things began to change for me. I began to see that there really might be hope for this grieving mother.
The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14
Stay tuned for Part Two 😘