This week I have reflected on my most memorable thanksgiving. My children and husband had made the journey to Tennessee to see my (now ex) husbands family. Prior to the meal, I went to Logan’s gravesite. It was the first thanksgiving that I would spend without him. As i approached his gravesite, I fell on my knees sobbing. It was now almost four months after his death and I could not reconcile the fact that he had died. I sobbed and sobbed with my entire body as I kneeled on a large towel that I had brought in anticipation for this visit. It was a cold drizzly day and it felt that way in my entire world. Everything was gray. I did not like this place, emotionally or physically, but it is where I had been placed. I believed that this was my life’s destiny- gray.
That day, everyone tried to make me smile and appreciate the present, but i could not find even one morsel of joy. I felt as though I would never find joy again.
Today, is Thanksgiving 2018. I will only have one of three of my children with me. I do not have a significant other. My knees are hurting after a long and busy two weeks at work. I have mounds of leaves outside of my house and chores not completed. Life is certainly not perfect.
This is the first year that I have been eagerly anticipating thanksgiving. Today will be casual with my parents, my daughter and son in law with their child, and a few close friends. The people I love will be with me.
So today I am so very thankful that even though there are various health issues and sorrows for most of the people who will be with me today, I can celebrate that we are together. There might never be another day like today and I intimately know how quickly life can change. Today the sun is shining through the windows of my warm home and life is filled with peace. I can look back at the past and be thankful of the present- of where I am in life. Today I can reflect on Thanksgivings past and feel deep gratitude. Everyone has a different path out of the gray and dark world of grief. There truly is hope for grieving people- and I am celebrating this today.