Ten years ago our family took our last vacation together. During this vacation, we stopped to visit Logan’s grave. Logan is buried in a family cemetery in Bradyville, Tennessee. It had only been two years since his death and my grief for Logan was still miserably raw.
The years that followed this visit proved to be the most difficult years of my life. Every time I had an opportunity for a few days off, the thought of visiting Logan’s resting place felt overwhelmingly exhausting. I did not have the energy. I feared going there alone. My anxiety, which was the “monster under my bed,” grew larger as time marched forward.
Recently, I found myself 20 miles from the cemetery and ten years later. Because I did not want to immerse myself in sorrow during this trip, I had not planned to stop. I am the queen of avoiding uncomfortable situations. A telephone call with my daddy helped change my mind. My traveling companion also encouraged this detour.
Because the cemetery is not on the map, it was a little challenging to find. We stopped to purchase mums and these people guided us to the cemetery. All of these busy tasks redirected and preoccupied my thoughts and emotions before arriving, as my emotions were barely under the surface.
As I walked towards Logan’s grave, I felt gentle tears on my face. I stood quietly and embraced my surroundings. I admired the headstone that we created together as a family. As I reflected on these memories, I realized that I was not afraid. The sorrow was not overwhelming... it was reflectively honest.
So much trauma and drama has happened in Tennessee in the following years. Now, his aunt and uncle and cousin - who also died too young- are buried adjacent to him. Since that last visit ten years ago, much healing has occurred. Now i realize that I truly HAVE been spending the right kind of time with Logan and his memory... in Indiana, just not while sitting at his gravesite.
This day, I discovered that the big monster under the bed was really tiny and I am no longer afraid. Only Logan’s DNA is in that cemetery. Logan and his memory are not there. Instead, his memory is with me, every day and whenever I want or need it. This cemetery is a very lovely place to reflect on Logan and on his life. I feel peace and resolution.