Welcome to Hope for Grieving Mothers

If you are new to this club (that no one asked to join- the one where your child has died), it is best to start by going to the BOTTOM RIGHT and look at the "Pages" section. Under this section you will find resources for mothers who are grieving the loss of their child. Resources to help your children deal with grief are also grouped together.

Next, feel free to look at the "Blog Archives." There are many topics that you may have an interest in reading. As you girlies know, we now have Teflon brains and often cannot have the focus power that we have had in the past. Feel free to come here often and hopefully you will FEEL the loving support that me and other mamas are sending. Hopefully you will begin to see sparks of hope for your future...

Hugs... Pamela

My personal early journaling

My son Logan died July 23, 2007.  Early on, I decided to begin to journal.  Now I am sharing this personal journal with you so you can see where I was at that time in my life - just three months after my Logan died.  I can tell you with now with authority... Where you are now, you will not always be. 
Hugs to each of you... Pamela

October 30, 2007 - I bought this journal as a prayer journal about 4 years ago - as I
procrastinated, as usual, it was left blank. Well today, just a little over
3 months ago, my son Logan died. I never imagined that I would have a grief
journal. How strange it that? Why would I want to remember the agony that
we are going through? Jeanna suggested that it would be cathartic. Tom &
Colleen sent me a book Safe Passages with simple sayings. So I
thought - maybe it would be good, but what do I write? I am rarely at a
loss of words and I have lots of feelings now. First of all, when I pulled
this yellowing book off of my dusty nightstand, I smiled when I read the
cover. "The Lord gives strength to his people. The Lord blesses his people
with peace." ps 29:11 I have started to see a glimmer of peace... but only
a glimmer. Nights are so long and sad. I miss him so much. It saddens me
to think of what this has done to Wesley and Callie. They are far too young
to experience grief of this magnitude, What is grief - I used to think that
it was extreme sadness, however, now I know that it is so different. Just
like a tomato is really a fruit - it is not really at all sadness. It is a
painful longing - physical and emotional to the depths of your very being.
Grief is nauseating. It makes you have palpitations. It makes your heart
race. You lose your breath at times. You sometimes forget what is going on
around you. Suddenly time moves just too damn slow. At least in half
time. Automation. Everything is automation - work, socializing, grocery
shopping - everything. Someone new started at my work while I was off with
"grieving" and I can't hardly remember her name. Kelly I think. It just
won't stick.
I am different. I used to love to cook and entertain. The thought of that
makes me tired and seems so pointless. People are going to eat the food and
then it is GONE for God's sake. I did like to read and I even started a
readers group at the hospital - I can't even make it through a magazine
The only joy that I ever feel is when I help others. Fortunately, I can
receive immediate gratification from my patients and that makes me feel
good. I am so frustrated and I feel lost. I remember when I woke up two
weeks after Logan died - I remember asking my husband "Which child did we lose?"
Isn't that horrible? I dreamed that one child died but I didn't know who.
I do have reassurance that he is in Heaven but can he see me.... us? Does
he know the pain that we are in?
Grief is embarrassing - You never know when it will hit you and you lose
control. People walk around you and they are not sure how to talk about
Logan - but that is not what gets you. Literally, I feel my knees weaken at
times - but not when thinking about him but when thinking of the way we need
to live WITHOUT him. For instance, last week, I was at Target and I was
perusing through the Christmas stuff and I saw the same stocking holders
that I have.
J O Y It was about two minutes later that it hit me. OH MY GOD!!!
I have three letters - three stockings - but two children. I made a little
yelp and darted into the shampoo aisle. I know that this one lady probably
thought I was upset by a "bad hairday."
Grief is lonely. Not only do people "grieve" differently, they think about
it at different times. Will we ever be happy at the same time again?

11/1/07-  I am so tired - tired all the time. How can I function? I worry that I am
going to make mistakes. My friends keep me away from the tonsil/sinus
patients. Am I ever going to have a clear head. I am so nervous...
sometimes that I rock back and forth

11/2/07 - I am so sad. I can't have fun. Time on my hand is horrible because I
think. I miss Logan but I also miss myself and I miss him not being nervous
and anxious all the time- which was just Logan. I hate sporting events. I hate everything that gives me time. I want to think of someone or something else so I cannot think of
being sad and think of how our lives have changed. I went to see the Pacers
tonight. Hated every second. I cannot smile for real. I hate time. It is
so slow. I need sleep. I need time to turn back.

11/4/07-  I think that it is the 4th. Who knows? Today was the 1st good Colts games
- ironically they lost. It was a turning point for me. The 1st game to not
be sad. I came home after tailgating but I was not sad - reflective
definitely. We received the beautiful brick for Logan for the new Lucas Oil
Stadium. It was given to us by our tailgating friends. I want another
brick - or another 100 bricks. I miss him so.... He brought so much joy and
purpose to my life. Callie and Wes and Barry are important to me also - but
I now have to learn to function with the hole in my heart.

11/5/07 - Today I thought that I was ready to wash his dirty clothes. I started to
quickly look through them and it made me quickly nervous - It started to
seem real again. I feel like I operate in "pretend" mode or in "reality"
mode. Grief makes you focus on singular things

11/7/07- Tired - Foggy - Nonmotivated. I am tired of trying to grasp that Logan is
dead. My subconscious doesn't get it. I keep saying that I need to live
for my other two children and one day I will live with my other child. But
it takes so much effort - even to eat. I don't even want to put anything in
the microwave. Too much effort. This book is a stupid idea I thought it
would be cathartic. I have nothing to say. I need to sleep - woke up at
3:30 in a panic this AM. I think I smelled Logan in my bathroom today. I
didn't see him - it definitely was "dirty boy stink."

I heal when I talk about Logan - especially when I discuss him not being
with me any longer. I heal and feel better when I don't just talk
superficially. Memories is what I need to remember. I love him - but I
also love my other family members. Surely something good will come from all
of this suffering.....

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