Welcome to Hope for Grieving Mothers

If you are new to this club (that no one asked to join- the one where your child has died), it is best to start by going to the BOTTOM RIGHT and look at the "Pages" section. Under this section you will find resources for mothers who are grieving the loss of their child. Resources to help your children deal with grief are also grouped together.

Next, feel free to look at the "Blog Archives." There are many topics that you may have an interest in reading. As you girlies know, we now have Teflon brains and often cannot have the focus power that we have had in the past. Feel free to come here often and hopefully you will FEEL the loving support that me and other mamas are sending. Hopefully you will begin to see sparks of hope for your future...

Hugs... Pamela

Preparing for your Child's funeral - Preparing your living children

Specific things for children to prepare them...

Avoid the use of the word sleeping.

Explain that what makes a person a human being is what's inside....
This comes out in our facial expressions and our eyes and body
language. She won't have that. I distinctly remember that a four year
old said at Logans funeral "he's not IN there". I thought that was
very insightful at the time. Anyway, explaining that the loved ones
body will FEEL different. It will be cold and feel different because
they are not in there any more.

At one time I used language such as "moved to Heaven" for a while with
the small kids.

Explain what happens at a funeral. There will be people crying and
maybe laughing. It will be a long day with a lot of food. People will
hug them that they don't know.

Your living children need to know options of what they can do.
-They can stand by you in the line and greet people or they can wander around.
-They have never had this "role" to play before and may be puzzled as
to what they are supposed to do.
-Maybe bring some activities to keep them busy during the visitation.
It will be a long time for them.
- Prepare them for this event that they will remember their ENTIRE life.

Make sure someone feeds your children. I know that sounds silly, but
even when there is plenty of food, you may forget to have your
children fed.

Children often worry about safety. Be aware of the possible thought of
"what if this happens to my parent or me". You may consider making a
pediatrician appointment in the next two weeks to reassure them of
their own health.

Explain the gravesite and the service. It is a place that we can go to
remember their loved one.

Remember that children are unable to understand the concept of time or
permanence. Remember this later. This is true with even older teens

Divide and conquer. You will NEED to grieve and when you see the
casket you will and should SOB! Many parents find that it's best to
have this occur without their children around so you can feel free to
express your emotions initially. When it's time for them to see their
loved one for the first time, you can take them there and explain and
"be present".

Maybe before the funeral color a picture for their loved one or write
a letter to put in the casket.

Let your child know....People that they don't know will hug them.
People that they don't know will be VERY distraught and will be
sobbing. My daughter found it offensive that people would be very
upset who didn't know him well or would even be laughing and making
jokes. Just let them know that peoples actions may offend them...
this is normal. There is NO ONE who knows how they feel.

One child suggested to allow the children to have a say in the funeral
arrangements. Ask them if there is anything that they want done that
is special to them. This child came up with an idea for his loved one
--instead of a normal flower arrangement - we found a wagon (not a
huge one) that he had played with years before. He went around the
house and filled it with things that meant something to them together.
Some of the things that he put in there --candy, chips, video games,
coloring stuff, stuffed animals, pictures, (even some room spray!--I
asked him WHY? what in the world did that have to do with her? He
replied.. "We HATED it TOGETHER!" ) That still is one of those things
that make me laugh.

MOST importantly.... As a parents, we need to TEACH our children how
to grieve. This is often their first experience with death and they
will remember it forever. Tears are NORMAL. It's SAD when someone
dies. Expressing this is important!!!!!

Maria shriver wrote a children's book that she make like to read. It's
at Barnes and nobles in the children's section. Peek through it and
see if this is for you. It is for geared for younger children.

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